Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
