I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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