there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
