I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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