So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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