Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
