I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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