I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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