Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
