Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
