While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
