Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
