He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
