I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
