When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
