pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
