remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
