Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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