Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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