I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
