i think my mom watched the whole time
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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