I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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