It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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