Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
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It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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