New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
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Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
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We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.