nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
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I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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