At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he was CRYING into my vagina
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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