I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
