we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
