i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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