Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show