I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
