I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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