addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
