I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
im six kinds of drunk right now
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
