pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
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