how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
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I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
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College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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