Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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