it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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