i already hear my dad disowning me
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
