in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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