He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
