I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
