You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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