How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
i think my cat just said my name.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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