hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
