My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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