i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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