giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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