Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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