Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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