I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
