It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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