I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
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who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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