Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
